When we explore the ‘forest’ of a conflict, our attention can be taken by the impressive and dramatic nature of the big trees. The though the tall trees pushing against each other may appear to be where the problem is, when we consider and explore the entire ecology surrounding, we have a much better chance of understanding the bigger picture.

 This is how it is with conflict as well. (Though we are unlike trees in that sometimes us humans need a little help to navigate the wild complexity of interrelating!)

  “Understory,” includes yet explores beyond the presenting canopy of a conflict – that is, the troubling issues – that is the fights, the events, offensive behaviours, the things that ‘happened’ to cause offence.

 The presenting trees may be growing big and wild, but in our attempts to chop down these trees of trouble, we may miss the entire understory layer that is growing beneath, which is creating, nurturing and giving life to the trouble trees. In the understory below, lies the human layers of perception, unmet needs, projection, values, culture and identity clashes, denied aspects of self, conflicting attachment styles, wounds and traumas, as well as basically feeling unsafe to work with conflict – all of which can be intermingled elements lurking hazardously beneath a conflict. Hidden and unseen elements can sabotage our relationships without us being aware of them.

 Process work can pull these elements apart, separate and explore them safely, so that they may be seen, heard and understood. Process-based conflict work attempts to make the unconscious conscious, through various methods of process, like role play, role reversal, indirect address, movement, art, play and sound where appropriate. All parties involved a conflict co-create a suitable conflict process to explore their inner conflict terrain, to find a safe space to break down and make sense of what is happening, at multiple levels, and then make empowered agreements, based on renewed understanding and empowered relating.

 This way of exploring conflict is based on my background of process-oriented psychology, and the principal of deep democracy – which includes and considers not only all voices, but also all levels of our experience.

 I found this description of a rainforest understory from a random webpage search very apt.

 “The understory varies from rainforest to rainforest. But in everywhere it is darker, there is less wind, and it is more humid than the canopy.

 “In the dim, leafy understory world with its poor visibility, disguises can be effective and are quite often used. An insect may look like a stick or a leaf, a poisonous animal or a bird dropping… As long it is unnoticed or is considered dangerous or inedible, it will probably be safe.

 “Most reptiles living in the rainforest understory are camouflaged to some degree, as protection from predators like coatis or eagles. Many tree snakes, like the emerald tree boa, are bright green to blend in with the foliage (while the ground level relatives are brownish to match the dead leaves on the forest floor). This helps a snake avoid being eaten. It also helps it catch the food it eats. A camouflaged snake is almost invisible as it lurks, until its prey passes by, and in a flash it strikes.”

  I admit, I see metaphors in most things. I need to explore things symbolically to make sense and place them within the macrocosms they sit within. meaning from them. That’s why I write stories, and why I need to play out  I know there are many other people

 To truly understand something, I need to feel it in my body

 Process-based conflict work also considers the ‘atmosphere’ or field of a bunch of people in conflict, not just the overt, or what can be called the ‘manifest’ dimension of conflict. Hidden messages are strong factors in relationship breakdown. Process-based conflict work looks for these hidden elements, perhaps brings them out and even amplifies them that they may have a voice and be given freedom. Then, the overt issues might be more easily worked out, for the purposes of finding natural resolution.

“The Taoist view of life assumes that the way things are unfolding contains the basic elements necessary for solving human problems.” – Arnold Mindell, the founder of Process-oriented Psychology.

Deep Democracy, the underlying principle of Process-oriented Psychology, is the practice of listening to all elements within a process. It addresses the entire field of a conflict. It considers issues of rank, and power. It looks at hidden messages and double signals, watches for any ghosts (hidden and unexpressed roles) lurking in the space who may want to say something. It looks at attachment styles, at past trauma, at values, shame, denied aspects of self. It considers neurodivergent ways of being and expressing. It is inclusive of all emotion, story, conflict styles and levels of comfort with self-expression. It looks at the environment in which the conflict grew, and works with the process as it unfolds. The inherent chaos within conflict is valued, and heartfulness and awareness is employed to help us sit in conflict fire without being damaged by that fire. A forest can instead be brought to new life by a good hearty fire.

In the “understory” below a conflict, lie the human layers of perception, unmet needs, projection, values, culture and identity clashes, denied aspects of self, conflicting attachment styles, wounds and traumas; basically feeling unsafe to work with conflict – all of which can be intermingled elements lurking hazardously beneath a conflict. Hidden and unseen elements can sabotage our relationships without us being aware of them.

Process work can pull these elements apart, separate and explore them safely, so that they may be seen, heard and understood. Process-based conflict work attempts to safely make the unconscious conscious, through various methods of process, like role play, role reversal, indirect address, movement, art, play and sound where appropriate. All parties involved a conflict co-create a suitable conflict process to explore their inner conflict terrain, to find a safe space to break down and make sense of what is happening, at multiple levels, and then make empowered agreements, based on renewed understanding and empowered relating.

I bring my background in process-oriented psychology, art therapy, over a decade of embodied movement as well as many years of personal experience working with various psycho-therapeutic modalities, and a Masters of Conflict Management and Resolution to my practice. I work with groups, offer process-based mediation and as well as conflict coaching sessions, appropriate where other parties involved in a conflict may be unwilling or unavailable to attend a conflict session.

Process-based conflict work can not only heal but enhance relationships, and help reach collective goals faster. Get in touch if you are interested in a session, or a facilitated conflict process in your workplace!

At the moment I’m re-reading one of my favourite books on conflict resolution – The Moral Imagination, by John Paul Lederach. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in or affected by conflict, at any level. The question he asks in it, is: “How do we transcend the cycles of violence that bewitch our human community, while still living in them?”

 I feel this simple question is the perfect phrasing of an inquiry that I’ve been obsessed with for a very long time– at the internal and external level. “Bewitched” is such an apt word. Conflict seems to put people into a spell – a complex mystery that continues to draw me deeper and deeper into it, and brings me right back into my own inner constellation of selves.

 The book looks at conflict through the lens of four principles, which he says, “…without which would make peacebuilding impossible.”

 They are beautiful and profound principals which absolutely appeal to my idealistic self, my values driven, peace-loving, all embracing self-reflecting Self.

 What I know, though, is that there are many levels and fragments of  what we define as “self”. We are so many parts, and these parts are into tangled all the parts of the other’s parts. What I see is that humans are amazing and highly creative creatures, but it seems like for them to get to a place where they have, as the book spells out: “the capacity to imagine themselves in a web of relationships that includes enemies; the ability to sustain paradoxical curiosity that embraces complexity, without reliance on dualistic polarity; and the acceptance of the inherent risk of stepping into the mystery of the unknown that lies beyond the familiar landscape of violence”, they need a little support, and little bridge to get across the chaotic inner process full of snapping defensive crocodiles and inner protectors who learned that fighting for its own point of view was the way to be remain safe. I know I tend to need support with it, anyway.

 As a facilitator of conflict resolution, I also do appreciate conflict resolution techniques like NVC etc and they have their uses and their merit. However, I don’t focus on those, or teach people communication ‘techniques’. Because I believe that the language of the ‘Essential Self’ (elaborated on below) , when the Essential Self emerges and expressed authentically in its own language, is what has the intelligence and power to reach and be heard by the Essential Self of another.

 What  I’m most interested in, is finding the bridge – the connection link back to heartful self, that wants connection, that has the capacity to empathise, that ultimately sees and knows the truth behind all its defences and the need to be right. But inner protectors, and nervous systems first need attention and safety. And these parts of us are not easily fooled. Even if some kind of ‘higher self’ spiritual part masquerading as genuine empathy tries to override protective parts, the result is not likely  to be sustainable, because the deeper issues have not really been addressed.

 The book tells incredible stories of seemingly intractable and deeply violent conflict cycles ending, based on the presence of these principles in conflict cycles. It’s interesting that he named the originating consciousness of these principles, “The Moral Imagination”. If you’re into IFS, you might call the originator of such imagination ‘Self’, (with a capital S) or ‘higher self’, or whatever. However you call it, you can learn all the conflict resolution techniques, be all about NVC, be an ultra-spiritual meditating yogi, know all the poetic principles of Moral Imagination, and have all the ideals, but when your nervous system is in sympathetic arousal and your protectors are active –  good luck implementing  all the shit you know you should do.

 Because there is another powerful imagination and force that is swirling under the surface – an imagination that stems from the animal brain, not the self-reflective and idealistic, values-driven identity-originating neo-cortex. Sympathetic arousal – imagination of threat, and in the moment, the threat doesn’t feel like imagination. It feels very real,  and comes with the need to be right and to win at all costs. It’s a powerful force that can over power our neo-cortex and shut down our heart and creative capacity. Our individual systems can be so complex and unique in how we perceive and receive information and action, and can need a lot to get back to Self and safety.

 Most of us know by now that that the capacity to think creatively, digest effectively and relate from empathy, is shut down when amygdala has perceived a threat and put us into fight/flight/freeze/fawn. And most of basically perceive conflict and disagreement as a threat. I know these shut-down states very well for myself. It activates terrified protector parts of me who have their own strategies of learned conflict defence. Working with conflict effectively is a lot to do with working with the nervous system, and the inner protectors. There are certain conditions, certain actions, certain switches, certain cues, certain triggers that can disarm and soften those defensive responses, and take us from the animal to the empathic, from the judge to the redeemer, from the defender to the unthreatened, from the hardened to the kind. From hostile to artful. From stuck to creative. From animal to Self. That Self knows the way to connect, and to solve these relating difficulties, not only because it can gain direct insight into the needs and hurting of the other.

 Essentially, what I’m getting at is that resolving conflict, is both a science, and an art. The art mostly doesn’t come from the facilitator or mediator of a conflict; the art is what emerges when the right conditions are presented for them to emerge. The facilitator can help with creating those conditions however. Humans are essentially artful and heartful, but generally not so much when they are in triggered sympathetic nervous system arousal.

 Ultimately and basically, it’s a shift from feeling unsafe, to safe. From story, to insight. From demon to vulnerable human. From defence to feeling. From competition to compassion. From protection to connection.

When I mention conflict resolution, sometimes I think people hear something like “Don’t be angry” or “Talk nicely”. Anger is a tricky thing to manage though, because a lot of people have triggers around it. Anger can burn, trigger, shut people down, activate fear, protectors, defences. Also, we have learned that it isn’t okay to express anger, in fact it can be used – is often used – against someone who expresses angrily : “See, you are the angry one. I am calm, therefore I am superior, and you are the one in the wrong.” Like a form of power or a kind of spiritual or psychological rank. I’ve been there myself.

Arnold Mindell, the founder of Process Work said, “One of the most common reasons that group processes break down is that they are afraid of anger. We can’t or won’t deal with hidden messages that involve aggression. Then, feelings get submerged.” He said that mainstream power conveys a hidden message that people must be calm to debate, even though people who have been oppressed don’t feel like being very calm and polite.

Anger can be a powerful liberating force, though, when worked with skilfully. Its release, when held and fully heard, can even be the very thing that clears the way to lasting peace and understanding. But its essential all sides must be held well, and nervous systems and inner parts cared for in the process.

I can find it hard to hear someone who is shouting or using aggressive words, or accusing me of things. I can freeze, or shut down and feel totally unsafe to speak in such an environment. Or I might just want to match their energy and shout back. Then things can get out of balance, or escalate. I’ll say too that some escalation is not necessarily a bad thing, if it’s momentary, and the steam that comes out of the pot doesn’t scald or burn. Escalation of fire in conflict processes needs responsible and attuned management.

In the style of facilitative mediation that I learned at uni, there are communication rules and agreements to be set before the process begins, and the process is very structured and linear. One person speaks for 5 minutes, then the other, etc. It follows a very clear and set format. Name-calling, shouting and swearing is not allowed. Of course, this is not unreasonable. Generally, these things aren’t very helpful to the cause of resolution. Also, shutting down valid emotional responses is not necessarily helpful to the cause of resolution. They will come bubbling on back later, if their message hasn’t been transmitted.

Anger, when it is present, wants an outlet. It has a valuable message, and the naming and addressing of it can be a powerful clearance of charge, like a forest burn. There are safe ways to welcome anger in a process, without it harming other participants. Naming its existence is a start. Inviting the person back to their own body, enquiring what the needs are behind the anger – focusing on that person and their sensations and experiences in that moment, rather than continuing the dialogue. Using role play – for example, the dialogue is directed at an empty chair or a representative object. Following the anger’s process, listening to it, noticing what it is trying to protect. Usually, there’s fragility and vulnerability under it, hurt, a small child part. And of course, it’s important to hold both, or all the parties (if it’s a group) while this is going on. This isn’t what I was taught at Uni. This is Process Work, meeting that type of mediation.

Also, let’s be clear, I am not talking about abuse or violence. There are clear lines of threat, manipulation and contemptuous efforts to harm others that would not be tolerated, and would be named. Also, maintaining awareness of power imbalances in essential. One person’s expression and exploration should not hijack the process, unless there is clear agreement and benefit to this. It’s also not about having a cathartic process, hitting pillows etc. It’s about the anger being heard and its message received, and what it is protecting beneath, uncovered. Sometimes it can be helpful/necessary for a person or people to go and do individual work with a therapist once they have identified feelings and parts and processes that contribute to, or are triggered by the conflict cycle. Or, do that work before individually before attending a mediation. I would often suggest that.

I am offering this form of conflict work to workplaces, to organisations, housemates, friends, intentional communities, couples – any constellation of humans where relationship is valuable to them. It’s not really for those who just want an outcome-based resolution or agreements without sustaining relationship – ie. deciding who has to pay for the broken fence, for example. I also work with individuals who want to do inner work on their own systems around conflict, perhaps when mediation is either not possible, or the other party/ies are unwilling to participate.

Get in touch if you want to chat about your conflict situation, I’m always happy to have a chat and freely consult about what might be possible for you.